May 27, 2021

 I have been feeling some pain in my left side over the last hour. There was some minor activity occurring in Southern California today. Otherwise, it has still been very quiet in terms of activity around the world. I noticed that I have been depressed on and off. It is like I hit a crash after experiencing an intense high from the extreme levels of seismic activity in the world last week. Now it has been very quiet and I have been experiencing a depression. I am also aware that I'm in the luteal phase of my cycle and I tend to suffer from depression during that time while I feel my absolute best in the middle of my cycle. This is probably exacerbating it all. I have taken moving out here away from California pretty hard. I especially took it hard because I was told by my parents before that they were not going to be living there forever and I needed to go out and work or do more to where I would have enough to support myself on my own. I ended up continuing to not do enough until it was too late. I asked myself Did I just not take them seriously or was I so arrogant and foolish that I ignored it and continued waiting around for nothing? I will not beat myself up about it anymore. I did not think something like this would happen that quickly. It was unexpected. My parents did not seem like they were in any hurry to move back. We had this big beautiful house in the mountains and had all this new furniture and decor. They even told me that they were not able to just pick up and leave and that was recent. After my Grandma's funeral, they suddenly decided to sell the house and move. I still wish I could have done much more much sooner, but at the same time, there is no sense ruing about what I didn't do. We learn and grow from our mistakes and failures. I also needed this time with my Grandfather. I am evolving as a person. I am now feeling more motivated than ever. I am planning to get back to California when I have everything I need. I know it might take 2 or 3 years. That is about how long it was between my very first trip to CA and us moving there in December 2012. It also may not be that long. Things can happen very quick. Art is already my strong point, so it should not take me very long to get really good in animation. These days, it is a lot easier to accomplish a lot in a shorter amount of time. It is not 2010 for me all over again. I'm much more mature and wiser than I was then. I'm not going to sit there anymore and say to myself in disgust The only thing you proved in all those 8 years is that you're a loser, a dipshit.. I was cruel to myself. My spirits were broken, but now they are on the rise again.